Usually I wake up feeling like you might if you had a hangover. Once, talking to a friend, my symptoms were described as ~periods~ minus the blood- obviously.
To me this is normal. To me this is life because I can’t remember any differently. Maybe every healthy person wakes up feeling like this? How ill am I really? How can I compare it? These are questions I ask myself all too often but not this morning.
I’ve never been beaten up. It probably doesn’t feel like this but, then again, how could I know? Beatings are on the outside: I know this much from bruising myself in everyday situations. This is not. This is just under the surface, this is a feeling that makes me question the difference between an ache and a pain. What is this? I want to say it’s an ache but I can’t let you think it’s a minor, dull ache. It’s probably a mixture. My aching legs, the pain in my chest that comes and goes and the sharp ache, the freshly-bruised, hands clenching around my spine from the inside feeling across my back.
Logically I can say this is because I’ve done a little too much recently but the thing is… That isn’t logical. These feelings being a result of some work, a little bit of fun and a whole lot of rest. Where is the logic in that!? People do more in one day than I do in a month.
I used to blame myself for how little I do. Even up to a few months ago I wouldn’t have posted this because it’s ‘too short to be a blog post’ but now I know I’m not to blame. I’m not saying it’s not difficult. It is. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m doing my best, I’m not to blame. This post might be short but it’s all I’m up to writing, it’s helped me and I hope it can help someone else either understand my illness a little more or to know they’re not alone, to have something to relate to.
Don’t blame yourself. It will only exhaust you further.